Tuesday, February 10, 2009

searching for the past

The evolution of this mind began with constraints, control and silence. It was fresh and untested. Things seemed simple and thoughts flowed with clarity. Emotions were reserved, words were filtered and messages were crisp. The field was large, the grass was green and the rope was short.

This too shall pass.

Life was too perfect that the mind got saturated. Things started to seem complex. Saturation made the mind to look at things that way. Art and music drove the mind and powered the soul. There was nothing else to consider and nothing else that mattered. The mind learned to ignore insignificant emotions and the soul endorsed its own obvious existence by magnification of creativity and imagination. The mind was drowning in inspiration. The paths laid seemed to go nowhere. Theories proved nothing to none. All there was to do was to float like a leaf in a storm. The mind began to get addicted to this state.

This too shall pass.

The mind then never knew what pandemonium was. There came a halt to the blind journey. The mind came to know what it was. It shook the soul out of the mind. Pandemonium was all about questioning an assumption and proving it wrong, again and again. Pandemonium was all about revealing a truth undramatically. The mind refused to accept the lesson and waited for answers, but time is a wise teacher. I lost myself.

The events formed a pattern that the mind identified. Every time I tried to lose control and slip into depression, some unpleasant event came my way, warned me of pandemonium and every time I overcame the addiction, things went on pleasantly. Though I felt addicted to that state and though I felt myself completely in that state and though I belonged to that state, the fear of pandemonium kept me away from my den. I started looking at things in simple ways. I kept my mind uncluttered and looked for inspiration. I talked more. I felt stupidly happy. I did ordinary things. I did them so frequently that I almost forgot who I was.

This too shall pass.

I stood near the open doorway of my coach, mountains flew past, trees disappeared around the corner, the gravel was a blur of gray and black lines. The wicked rhythm of the rails, the wind combing the hair and the pure speed of the engine munching down miles in seconds was all that I needed to remember my old ways. Addiction resurfaced.

Pandemonium. Come kill me.

This too shall pass.

1 comment:

enigma said...

makes me wonder if i too had this phase...kinda able to relate!! well knit:)