Wednesday, July 22, 2009

déjà vu

the mirage: Above all can and must, there is want.
(the mind)

mild One: What does that mean?
(the soul)

I can and must do something, but i do not want to.

Truth is, you can't do it. Don't give reasons.

It does not matter if I can or can't when I don't want to do it.

In that case, you can do something that you can't if you want.

Yeah, whatever. I don't know what to do with my life, shall I put an end to this?

You are a loser. You can't even face a couple of problems.

Like I said earlier, I don't want to. I am sick of deaths, delays and disappointments, they are the only things happening in my life.

You'll be a bad example.

There is no necessity for me to be otherwise.

People will think you are a coward.

I don't care even if they think that way now.

You don't want to do anything, but that doesn't mean that you have to end this, you can just be.

Yes I can. But I am confused. There is an inch of dust spread on my table and I am doing nothing about it.

You need change.

I need something. I am sick of everything. I want things to work out my way with no obstacles.

That is an Impossibility.

I know and that makes it more irritating.

Do you remember that you said '
The moment you decide to kill yourself, do it immediately, because you are no longer worth living' ?

Yes I do. I never imagined that I would become the you in there. I feel really bad that my life is turning out this way. I do not know what has happened that is changing me. I did not want to change with situations. I do not know how I let go of things. I do not know what I want.

You do know what is changing you. You do know that you can get a grip and you know for sure, what you want.

Yeah, I know what I want, where I want to be and how. I even know how to get there. But I do not know why I am not doing it.


Are you gone?

No, the last I included me.

Every I includes you. I feel guilty for having betrayed you and having failed your purpose. I feel bad, for you'll repent choosing me.

You haven't betrayed me, at least not yet and I am not going to let you do it, although I admit, that was a nice way you tried to end my contract.


And I don't repent having chosen you, although I didn't have a choice.

Without shame, I'll take that as a compliment.