somewhere between here and there

My present state: I try to keep myself engaged, I try to be free. I feel misplaced in every group I am supposed to fit into. I try not to think too much about these, as I most often go into a state of depression if I do so and at the same time, I feel ashamed of myself for barricading my thought train. I know that I would get answers if I probe and I am also sure that the answers would not be worth knowing or perhaps it is my fear of being pushed into the state of bitter sweetness, that I have temporarily diverted my thoughts away from these. It is like the feeling that one gets when he does not want to know the truth, which might be true.

If I am ready to face the answers, which might be true or just a pessimistic assumption and in either case unpleasant, I can be myself, think all day, talk less, express mutely and desperately try to figure out why I am here.

If I just let these go off my mind and try to be pleasant to others, give myself an occasional encouragement (which most often sounds like a desperate lie to keep things going) and float like a leaf in a pond, I might feel guilty.

Situation: I get an alien emotion of bitterness and loneliness when my friend leaves without a word to me and does not even try to find out if I am fine. I wouldn't have cared if I had been in either of these two states. I would have either been an unemotional power bank who wouldn't even have noticed him leaving or a happy-go-lucky bloke who wouldn't get offended and who would assume some silly good reasons, which might be true again.

I end this post becoming more confused. I realize that I have actually thought through my entire situation and I have arrived at an unsuccessful explanation.